4 days 3 nites so far

Waaaa!! Its a new year adi....HAPPY 2008 PPL!!! Having a well deserved holiday now although its more like a countdown of the number of days i can continue to be happy until i get my results. But these few days somewhat managed to make time fly for me and let me put my worries aside for awhile.....k so y dun we recap those short lived and happy moments of mine:P

Jan 3rd, Thursday: Watched my first movie of the year with the M107 frens. Was pretty happy cuz i felt freedom that day. Damn i tot the golden compass was some trilogy thingy which would be like lords of the rings. Tot it'll be some epic battle between the major forces of good and evil where the fate of the world lies in the lil girls hands. But turns out that all she could do i read the freaking compass -_-, which in fact wasnt really hard to read at all. Just needed some common sense and some real good questions. Rite..... Anyhow, i do wish that i did have the altheliometer. Just imagine the stuff i can find out using it.Could really use it now to see the truth on wed or use it to see what questions will be out on exam day......many other problems that i have too....i just love living in the fantasy world once in awhile:) YAY!! now i have season 1 of house to make time fly till dooms day from kim. Thx dear:)

Jan 4th, Friday: just like any normal day, i woke up to do the morning chores. Got 15 minutes to do it all before the clock strikes 12 noon :P Then went out for lunch with my sis cuz mum couldnt come back to take us out. Went to eat in Sri Devi's. Shud have ate something lighter cuz i didnt really have much appetite these days. But go a lil greedy i suppose:) Then i taught my sis the 101 of driving a car. Think i was a lil unwell that day considering the fact that i actually helped my sis. Then i also cleaned up my room and vacuumed the whole house. Oh dear. Pigs will be flying north soon for winter. Later that night i had to attend my frens farewell party. It was a fun night. There was holly-crap-more-then-you-could-eat amount of pizzas. It was like free flow of liquor. Did i mention there were free flow of liquor?? Felt like heaven(never been there tho). Well at least i get a taste of it before i go to hell lo.........Despite the oversize crowd, everything was fine. Manage to drink away my sorrows. Oh ya, its dangerous to be high near the balcony. Believe me;P Alcohol can be a great anti depressant and a great stress reliever. But overdose it, then there wont be anymore chances to drown ur sorrows as ur name appears in the newspaper's headlines. Alcohol is such a mysterious drink dont u think?? I'm a responsible drinker tho*ngehehehe*

The poolside of E-tiara. The sight of it already gives u that peace in mind. Nice place.

Then again...not that peaceful afterall:P was laughing when i took this pic.
I'm gonna get this. This rox big time!!

they tried to measure how drunk i was....but to no avail!! see i look fine :P

Jan 5th, Saturday: Got only 3 hours of sleep. Came back pretty late at night and i needed to leave for Penang in 30 minutes. So yea rush hour during holiday sux! Managed to get some sleep in the car though. And guess what? I WAS ALLOWED TO DRIVE HALFWAY THROUGH OUT THE JOURNEY!!!YAY!! its my first time la so yea am pretty hyped bout it.Went there to visit my grandmother who apparently fell down and had some spine injury. I couldnt take the picture of the Xray. It goes like this. The thoracic veterbra(thorax backbone) 9,10,11 is compressed and is moved to the right side by a few cm. She doing fine though. She can walk la but i can see that its not an easy task for her. She hides the pain just cuz my family came to visit her. We took turns to chat with her and hold her hands and stuff. Its pretty sad that she is in all these pain and when i hear my aunts and all talking and making fun of the mistakes she does. I know that they are not making fun of her being disabled abit now but somehow i feel that at times they shudnt gossip about it u noe. If they were to also dun la gossip like its some funny story. Despicable. Then at night we stayed at a hotel called Continental. Not too shabby but freaking noisy at night. Its located directly outside Penang's clubby zones so the noise didnt subside till about 4am.......had some time alone to relax. Stroll the streets for some piece of mind. Then the next day we left back for Subang.

yay i got to drive....

see solid proof

i tot the side ram looks senget lo.....mana tau...

betul betul senget ;P

the passenger which i was transporting.shes a lil worried tho.....

maybe cuz all these pics were taken by myself so far while driving 120 on the highway. so cleverrrr ;P

random stop....random pic

lunch was the 1st thing we needed. If u ever traveled to Penang this is a must try

the amount of drugs my grandma had to take within a few months. no vicodin though. wanted to try :P too much house adi

dinner is served.

pics taken when i roamed the streets at nite. a nice area with the sea breeze to relax.

would like to stay in this place for once next time

randomness 2

the market place.....

well that all for now. will be drowning myself with more alcohol to ease more probs in life. cheers!

As most of you know , I flunked the first major examination of my first year in medical school. I nearly passed it. Just a little tiny bit more to pass but it was proven just impossible for someone who never really studied his stuff and just go into the exams, hoping that the questions that comes out are those which i covered for.......you rip what you sow.......So i spent the last month of 2007 studying till the 2nd of January 2008. And i must say that in that 1 month of studying really changed my life. This was the first time in my life that i ever failed any major examinations. I've always passed this kinda stuff(usually score brilliantly too) ; thought it was just a piece of cake but looks like life in uni cant be as relaxed as i thought it would be especially when its a medical uni.

I feel very much relieved for the time being that i've finish the resit but i'm still worried about the results. Feel very much like a piece of glass right now. So damn fragile...... I know i said that i did do well for most of the papers and stuff. I too at times wanna feel confident and put some hope into that but then it'll be exactly like the last exams. I am just very much afraid to harbor any hope into it.....I dont know what i'll do if i fail. All my life of studying to become a doctor, all the people that have faith in me, will all go to waste. Efforts, support, hopes, all of them drowns and sinks to the bottom of the ocean. Now i understand why certain people even consider suicide when things like that happen. Its really a feeling of helplessness and uselessness. I lost my appetite for 4 days in a row, studied like mad(12 hrs non-stop ; yea as in no water break and all except lunch n dinner) and also for the 1st time, i actually felt the grip of guilt around me and fear breathing down my neck. The feeling was very unpleasant.

My last month of 2007 was spent by studying relentlessly to make it thru, to make ends meet and to keep promises which i made to various people. The journey really had its up and downs. The down part was studying an extra month to make it thru, not to mention the demoralising factors because everyone was on holz and certain plans were interrupted cuz of me. Then there is the up part which is more then the down part. I finally knew how fear tasted. Paranoia to me all this while was nothing more than just a physic condition. The final 2 day before it was all over, i really felt helpless after doing my first paper. I screwed it up. I'm not sure how many questions was answered correctly but i'm sure that is gonna be the 1 that will pull down the overall grades. This is the first time in my life that i knew, to pass i'll have to work my ass off. I mean i've always known this for a fact but never did i experiences it at such a crucial time. So yea, now i know......
Its easy to estimate that to pass all i need is like 30/45 for ospe to compensate for saq and whatnot but in the end its all just thoughts to keep me going and pushing myself. The truth will only be reveled on that fateful day itself.

By now most of you would be thinking that i'm some hopeless emo fuck who cant control his own emotions or is stupid for not realizing it earlier or that it serves me right and etc etc. Well i take it all. I guess that this is the spices of life. Cant do much about it. I was raised by an overly protected mother. Not trying to say that i hate you for that or anything mum cuz i know that its just to keep me safe but then again i sometimes hope that you'll consider my future; protecting me too much will only make me weak. Then there is my dad who has always been somewhat irresponsible. Again i'm not mad. He is a great father. Its just that he dont always show how much he cares at my times of need(his kinda shy kua??). I guess thats why i grew up to become a little insensitive, ignorant, and have selective hearing. HOWEVER, i've taken this as a side effect to loving me too much. So its all good:) And from this arises my guilt for failing. During the last day of cramming, i kinda lost track of time and forgot bout lunch. Then out of no where came 2 slices of an aromatic, brown toasted bread, filled with ham. And it was delivered to me onto my table upstairs. I was about to turn around hoping to see my mum there, looking at what i'm studying. I saw my dad. He was on leave of like 2 weeks cuz we were suppose to paint the house but due to failing the exams i could helped put a lot. My help is actually very crucial cuz i'm really the only person who can contribute in doing this(he needs my height and youth to do this). At that very moment it i felt this feeling on my chest as though as something was sucking it from inside, depressing the surface. As i heard him saying 'looks good leh?' with him pose making him look like he is proud of something he achieved, i brokedown. Never did i expected that he'll come and deliver food to me at any kind of situations. He usually calls me down to come and eat cuz food is somewhat prohibited upstairs. It was almost like the person who brought the food up was foreign to me. From there onwards i knew how much hope he puts in me and how much he cared. I was really touched at the bottom of my heart. That increased the pressure to my the-people-who-are-expecting-me-to-pass list by a lot as he was never on my list. So after the emotional breakdown(like about 1-2 minutes??), i wiped my tears and strengthen my heart and will for i knew that i would have to be even stronger since i have to cater for another person on my list.

The implications if i fail the resit is very much like a 1 KO punch to a boxer who can take only 1 more blow to the head before goes down due to late stage brain tumor. I wont be able to get up again and death is not so far away for me. It'll suck out the very essences of my life cuz not only will i disappoint the ones i love but also it'll prove that despite all my effort done to prove that i can come out a doctor in 5 years, its just another useless rant made from this mouth of mine which moves faster than the brain. A personality is something which is very hard to change and its something that is formed throughout life. So i might just prove that all my life, i've been living it the wrong way. I'm not sure whether i'll be able to stand up again if i really do fail but i know that death is easier than staying alive. Never really liked the easy way. So i'll basically be a lost soul, something which is existent but not there. I dunno what should i even do with my life......too scared to end it but too helpless to start anew cuz i might screw up again. I really wanna pass. I've got a lot of things i need to do, got my family to take care of, need to reassure a very special person who is very dearly to me that i can keep promises, friends and relatives to enjoy with. There is many other things too but i'm too phobic to even think of it cuz things now are really uncertain.

All i can do is pray hard and sincere and cross my fingers. I vowed that if i do pass i'll turn a new leaf on. So please dear God, i leave my fate to your decision. I only hope that You would listen to this selfish request of mine. I have learned my lesson well this time and i swear to follow ur teachings from now on. My very life is very much dependent on this.